After suffering from a nearly terminal attack of laziness, the Blacklist is back for this special March edition! Et Voila
BRITOMART COUNRY CLUB
Oh there’s a new club in town, and even sad fucks like us get to be members. It’s called the BCC, or Britomart Country Club, and its delightful and ironic little parodies of lifes foibles and the idiosyncrasies of the indolent rich make it a joy to drink in. You can play a hole of golf, a round of that silly game with metal balls, and order a pizza and several beers. SKULL AND BONES did all the logo and brand work in return for a couple of dozen beers that we are yet to see. But seriously, check out this bar, it’s fucking cool. Smokers will love it because it’s all outdoors so you can kill yourself almost anywhere. Non smokers will love it because the smokers are slowly dying and because the roof is really high so the actual amount of smoke is very low. Unless Youngest is in there with his filthy Garams. It’s what you call a “concept” bar, except that in this case, the concept works
ADVANCED SPINE AND JOINT CLINIC
If you’ve ever suffered from back pain, you have our sympathy, unless you’re Michael Laws, in which we case we hope it’s fucking broken and the pain is like a million sharp little needles. But in the instance that you’re a normal human and not some kind of reptile masquerading as a man, and you live in Auckland, we strongly recommend you go and see the spine geniuses at Advanced Spine and Joint Clinic in High Street. They’ll send you for x rays and then give you some adjustments that leave you feeling better than drugs, which is obviously pretty fucking good. After they’ve shown you how you’ve been trashing your poor old back and roundly berated you for it, they’ll give you a programme to help prevent you from becoming some kind of crippled freak in 20 years. Pity the Boss didn’t go earlier really. They also have free jelly beans on the counter
THOMAS OLIVER’S NEW ALBUM
The day this came out was one of the proudest days of Squid’s life. He almost broke down and wept in the studio, which is why we turned it up, so we wouldn’t have to listen to his paternalistic sniveling. It’s called Baby I’ll Play, and it’s fantastic and we want you to all go out and BUY IT so Tom and his mates don’t have to wok at KFC in their spare time or work any other kind of menial job instead of writing and performing this kind of artistic brilliance. Fuck it, buy two! We bought three. Don’t download it, go and pay some real money for it, and then you won’t be a dick, which may well be the happiest outcome of your week
TRACTION FILMS
“I’m Nick Fucking Fay from Traction Films and I park where I fucking like.” And he does, generally without consequence. Maybe it’s because he’s got a great eye behind the camera and he’s more technical than NASA when it comes to shooting shit and getting smarmy directors what they want. He can’t hold his rum to save his life though, which is good, because while most film crew will drink a fortune at wrap parties Nick will pass out quickly. He can also be easily and happily accommodated in your garden. But he shoots most of the crap we make around here and we recommend him because he’s a genuine human and not some kind of reptile like Michael Laws. He also owns more kit than our army
SCOOTERWORLD
Also on our top blokes list are Kevin and Andrew up at Scooterworld. The Boss had too much money so he gave it to them to make his Vespa go fast and now it actually does. He still looks like a pretentious cunt on it, but the mechanics are a thing of beauty. In a world where petrol is rapidly becoming a luxury item – Gucci opened its first petrol station last week – scooters are finally making some kind of sense. So when you buy one, take it to these guys and they’ll rebuild it into something that can leave a BMW at the lights, which let’s face it, is probably where it belongs
JELLY
Jelly is the shit! Not only does it keep the kids happy, but now it can appeal to the big kid in you with this choice book that we found. It has recipes for Absinthe jelly and bacon jelly, among others. The Blancmange and strawberry jelly tower is one of the seven wonders of the modern world, take our word for it. This book is an essential item for the shelves of any aspiring cook or parent who desperately wants to impress someone less clever than them
OMEGA WATCHES
Fuck you Rolex, Omega are better. It’s as simple as that
AUTUMN
Autumn is the season for intelligent people. Crisp, cool nights that allow for the introduction of layered dressing, with lovely warm and settled days where you can still work on your tan or show off your biceps or whatever. Unless you’re in Wellington, in which case autumn is probably already winter, and it’s five degrees with a wind chill factor of minus 20. But everywhere else the lowering of the sun provides an exceptionally beautiful cross light, and everything looks incredible in it, except Michael Laws, who still looks like a cunt
ANDROID PHONES
They’re just so choice, aren’t they? Fuck you Apple. The iPhone is for designers, coders and all the other hipster twats
OUR NEW PAINTING
We defy you to look at this painting and tell us it’s not 100 kinds of awesome. We got Fane Flaws, our favouite arty charity project, to whip it up in some oils in a couple of spare moments. He’s taken our anthem and given us this in return, which isn’t a bad trade at all. And because of it, we finally found the motivation to paint over the hideous shit MTV left on our walls – fuck you MTV, you hawkers of lowest common denominator shit for way too long – just so we could have a good clean surface to hang it on. There’s a bit of irony and pride for us in putting this where MTV used to be – it’s an original work by a talented artist, for a start
